surreal.
Because i'm going back right.
I feel like in a week, or after the summer, its time to go back and stuff. see people again. Blah now i want to cry. this doesnt feel real. and maybe im making "much too much a fuss about this"
Sunday, May 30, 2010
now what??
well. I graduated today.
I'm just sitting here at my family's computer and I don't know what to think. Or do. Leaving my house was the hardest. Not because of the house itself, just knowing I'm not going to be moving into another one. Turning in my keys sucked. And as I was leaving I told katie to dirve by the orchard. There was a party going on. I wasnted to stop and get out, but we had to get home because katie ha a test or something.
How can four years have gone by so fast?? High school went by fast too, and I can't believe its been nearly eight year since I was a freshman at Snohomish. But this is something completely different. Maybe, because going into PLU, I wasn't going to be surrounded by the same people I grew up with. It was new and exciting. New people, new stories.
I remember freshman year, first semester was great, but I wasn't really in with the theatre crowd. I hung out with the girls in my hall. J term came, and I hung out with different people. so then when it rolled around to spring semester, social circles changed again, and I realized I had no friends. It was one of the most low points of my life. I knew people and stuff, but no one called me up or sought me out. it was awful.
Sophomore year changed everything. Cast as a lead in a play. New home (ordal). Improv. Adventures. I had friends, I knew people. I hung out. went to Clay City. J term was amazing. AMAZING. that's when clare and I became friends. and the MUrder was formed. and many many adventures. Clay city, stealing roadsigns, conquering the sea. it was awesome. Spring came around. relationships changed. the CLAY CROWs happened. THe road trip, which was amazing. I had a group of friends. I had my niche. I randomly decided to apply to go to London. Accepted to that: wow.
Worked for the Y. came back to school. performed again. relationships changed again. and I hit a low point. It was awful. It wasn't even because of that, it was because I felt betrayed by two of my best friends. BUT. I dont know why that was so hard for me. and it was even more frustrating BECAUSE i DIDN'T know why. Clare and I kind of became clare and I. J term. THen.
London. Oh london. THat wonderful amazing place that somehow changed me. I dont really even feel like I changed that much. But the sophomore me and senior me were so different, I have to attribute it to being on my own. I think. Seriously, going over there was the best decision I think i've ever made. It was the right time in my life, and just opnened my eyes to how small, and big, and wonderful the world really is. I had freedom over there. I saw really cool people. Spring breaked with CLare and my family in Paris. sir ian. patrick stewart. morgan freeman. judy dench. Harry potter. Spring awakening. holy crap. London was my spring awakening. just figured that out as cliche and stupid as that may sound. but it rea;lly was. I got comfortable with my self. with the person I wasnted to be. I didn't let stupid people hold me back. I travelled around the world by myself. England. scotland. Germany. France. Ireland. Italy. Austria. Germany again. RE connected with people. Came back to PLU and hung out.
WEST. MY FIRST PAID GIG. thanks to clares connection.s
Senior year. went by too fast. I just can't believe it. and i left today without really sying goodbye to alot of people. I gave morris a hug and he started going all sentimental. because well, I leave on tuesday. and I knew I wouldnt see him or val again for a while. until at least december. It was hardest saying goodbye to him. which i didnt even really do because if i had started to say anything I would have cried. the ceremony wasnt too bad. I was texting people two seats away form me. funny. BUT
Senior year. Off campus. good. Drunk for the first time. good. NOMT for the first time. FUn. friends with underclassmen. FINALLY became friends with Becca. I've always wanted to be friends wtih her, and always felt this wierd connection, but never actually hung out with her or anything until this year. and. well. I'm so grateful for her. she's my soulmate ish. Friends get married in Hawaii. Brilliant. Off to Ireland. My heart hurts sometimes ebcause I miss it. and it reminded me too much of london. But the people were better. MADE OUT WITH AN IRISH BOY!!!! silly, but it was my goal the whole time. Ireland reminded me of why im friends with the people im friends with. and why im not with the people i'm not. But those 21 days will stay with me forever. Alzheimers excluded. Loved every single second of it. Re-affirmed my faith in GOd. and re connected with people I missed.
Spring went by too fast. Cripple was the hardest ive worked on a show. not the most fun, but definately the most rewarding show ive ever done. Streetcar was a big lesson. UMMMMM> MICHAEL BUBLE> BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE>
and then i was depressed. more depressed than I was freshman year ehre, and maybe even sophomore year of high school. it was bad. i just didnt care about anything. and then i got all sad. Because, see. my junior year of high school i FREAKED OUT about graduation. leaving people. and by the time senior year rolled around, I was fine. Junior year of college, I was in LONDON. I didnt give a crap about graduation. So, I hadn't had time to really even think about it. and while I was THRILLED to be done with tbe beaurocracy of school, i finally realized THIS IS IT.
so i'm having a hard time dealing with everything. Id idnt even really get to say goodbye to everyone today. im so glad ive reconnedcted with kirsten, made friends with becca, went to parties, for everything. My main goal in life is to live with no regrets. its all silly and cliche but its true. No day but today: forget regret or life is yours to miss. I almost cried during the ceremony but didnt want red eyes for pictures. But when I left the key to my house inside today, thats when I almost lost it. like. I never get to drive back down for school. I never get to be in another play down there. and it wasnt by so fast. SO fast. I cant believe its been four years.
And ive changed. I'm not the same person. Ive become a lot more open minded. which is why i hated leaving today. Because I came home to the town that knew me as someone who I'm not anymore. I have to go back to this place that defined me for so long, and now that ive gotten a chance to define myself, I'm so afraid i'm going to be pushed back into the old box. My family has been so supportive, but they dont get it. I dont mean katie, but, really, everyone else, especially on my moms side of the family, doesnt get it. I'm not some sheltered little girl anymore. I believe in GOd, but I don't believe in the literalness of the bible. I don;t think anyway. I m a lot more liberal than I was when I left, because ive had the time to think for MYSELF, without being told what to think or how to think it. and I'm so grateful to PLY for giving me that opportunity. I guess I'm just terrified that everyone here expects me to act the same and be the same and go back to the way i was before. same schedule and values. That person, THAT Anne, doesn't exist anymore. I want to be free to continue t grow wihout worrying about what my parents think, or whether they hate the new me. I know they dont hate me, but I want them to respect the way I think and the choices I make, whether or not they are athe same choices I would have made four years ago.
And im terrified that im never going to see people again. I know people come and go, and we've got to let life take us on the ride. But. Like, dylan. I love and respect that guy so much. Same with Kinglsey and Mana. Travis morris. who knows. Katie Rice. Who knows. Paul? I dont know. Kirsten, I will be seeing. Clare I will be seeing. I dont want to hang on for the sake of old memories, but part of me is really sad that I'm not guaranteed to be with these people or see them. or that these influential people who have all changed me and helped me to grow arent automatically going to be there. I guess I'm afraid Ive taken thier presence for granted, and that when I may want it in the future, it wont be there. ANdrea, Lars, tingvall. I mean, I know for the next year or two we'll all talk, at least superficially. After that, who knows.
Ugh. Im emotionally spent. Im feeling every single emotion possible right now. excited, relived, nostalgic, terrified, sad, happy, apathetic, angry, frustrated.... just. everything.
I guess all I can do at this point is just be grateful for where life has taken me, and the person i have let myself become. who knows what tomorrow will bring. and the day after, its back to the pinecone.
now, time to cry myself to sleep. why do we cry when we're happy? BLAH
I'm just sitting here at my family's computer and I don't know what to think. Or do. Leaving my house was the hardest. Not because of the house itself, just knowing I'm not going to be moving into another one. Turning in my keys sucked. And as I was leaving I told katie to dirve by the orchard. There was a party going on. I wasnted to stop and get out, but we had to get home because katie ha a test or something.
How can four years have gone by so fast?? High school went by fast too, and I can't believe its been nearly eight year since I was a freshman at Snohomish. But this is something completely different. Maybe, because going into PLU, I wasn't going to be surrounded by the same people I grew up with. It was new and exciting. New people, new stories.
I remember freshman year, first semester was great, but I wasn't really in with the theatre crowd. I hung out with the girls in my hall. J term came, and I hung out with different people. so then when it rolled around to spring semester, social circles changed again, and I realized I had no friends. It was one of the most low points of my life. I knew people and stuff, but no one called me up or sought me out. it was awful.
Sophomore year changed everything. Cast as a lead in a play. New home (ordal). Improv. Adventures. I had friends, I knew people. I hung out. went to Clay City. J term was amazing. AMAZING. that's when clare and I became friends. and the MUrder was formed. and many many adventures. Clay city, stealing roadsigns, conquering the sea. it was awesome. Spring came around. relationships changed. the CLAY CROWs happened. THe road trip, which was amazing. I had a group of friends. I had my niche. I randomly decided to apply to go to London. Accepted to that: wow.
Worked for the Y. came back to school. performed again. relationships changed again. and I hit a low point. It was awful. It wasn't even because of that, it was because I felt betrayed by two of my best friends. BUT. I dont know why that was so hard for me. and it was even more frustrating BECAUSE i DIDN'T know why. Clare and I kind of became clare and I. J term. THen.
London. Oh london. THat wonderful amazing place that somehow changed me. I dont really even feel like I changed that much. But the sophomore me and senior me were so different, I have to attribute it to being on my own. I think. Seriously, going over there was the best decision I think i've ever made. It was the right time in my life, and just opnened my eyes to how small, and big, and wonderful the world really is. I had freedom over there. I saw really cool people. Spring breaked with CLare and my family in Paris. sir ian. patrick stewart. morgan freeman. judy dench. Harry potter. Spring awakening. holy crap. London was my spring awakening. just figured that out as cliche and stupid as that may sound. but it rea;lly was. I got comfortable with my self. with the person I wasnted to be. I didn't let stupid people hold me back. I travelled around the world by myself. England. scotland. Germany. France. Ireland. Italy. Austria. Germany again. RE connected with people. Came back to PLU and hung out.
WEST. MY FIRST PAID GIG. thanks to clares connection.s
Senior year. went by too fast. I just can't believe it. and i left today without really sying goodbye to alot of people. I gave morris a hug and he started going all sentimental. because well, I leave on tuesday. and I knew I wouldnt see him or val again for a while. until at least december. It was hardest saying goodbye to him. which i didnt even really do because if i had started to say anything I would have cried. the ceremony wasnt too bad. I was texting people two seats away form me. funny. BUT
Senior year. Off campus. good. Drunk for the first time. good. NOMT for the first time. FUn. friends with underclassmen. FINALLY became friends with Becca. I've always wanted to be friends wtih her, and always felt this wierd connection, but never actually hung out with her or anything until this year. and. well. I'm so grateful for her. she's my soulmate ish. Friends get married in Hawaii. Brilliant. Off to Ireland. My heart hurts sometimes ebcause I miss it. and it reminded me too much of london. But the people were better. MADE OUT WITH AN IRISH BOY!!!! silly, but it was my goal the whole time. Ireland reminded me of why im friends with the people im friends with. and why im not with the people i'm not. But those 21 days will stay with me forever. Alzheimers excluded. Loved every single second of it. Re-affirmed my faith in GOd. and re connected with people I missed.
Spring went by too fast. Cripple was the hardest ive worked on a show. not the most fun, but definately the most rewarding show ive ever done. Streetcar was a big lesson. UMMMMM> MICHAEL BUBLE> BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE>
and then i was depressed. more depressed than I was freshman year ehre, and maybe even sophomore year of high school. it was bad. i just didnt care about anything. and then i got all sad. Because, see. my junior year of high school i FREAKED OUT about graduation. leaving people. and by the time senior year rolled around, I was fine. Junior year of college, I was in LONDON. I didnt give a crap about graduation. So, I hadn't had time to really even think about it. and while I was THRILLED to be done with tbe beaurocracy of school, i finally realized THIS IS IT.
so i'm having a hard time dealing with everything. Id idnt even really get to say goodbye to everyone today. im so glad ive reconnedcted with kirsten, made friends with becca, went to parties, for everything. My main goal in life is to live with no regrets. its all silly and cliche but its true. No day but today: forget regret or life is yours to miss. I almost cried during the ceremony but didnt want red eyes for pictures. But when I left the key to my house inside today, thats when I almost lost it. like. I never get to drive back down for school. I never get to be in another play down there. and it wasnt by so fast. SO fast. I cant believe its been four years.
And ive changed. I'm not the same person. Ive become a lot more open minded. which is why i hated leaving today. Because I came home to the town that knew me as someone who I'm not anymore. I have to go back to this place that defined me for so long, and now that ive gotten a chance to define myself, I'm so afraid i'm going to be pushed back into the old box. My family has been so supportive, but they dont get it. I dont mean katie, but, really, everyone else, especially on my moms side of the family, doesnt get it. I'm not some sheltered little girl anymore. I believe in GOd, but I don't believe in the literalness of the bible. I don;t think anyway. I m a lot more liberal than I was when I left, because ive had the time to think for MYSELF, without being told what to think or how to think it. and I'm so grateful to PLY for giving me that opportunity. I guess I'm just terrified that everyone here expects me to act the same and be the same and go back to the way i was before. same schedule and values. That person, THAT Anne, doesn't exist anymore. I want to be free to continue t grow wihout worrying about what my parents think, or whether they hate the new me. I know they dont hate me, but I want them to respect the way I think and the choices I make, whether or not they are athe same choices I would have made four years ago.
And im terrified that im never going to see people again. I know people come and go, and we've got to let life take us on the ride. But. Like, dylan. I love and respect that guy so much. Same with Kinglsey and Mana. Travis morris. who knows. Katie Rice. Who knows. Paul? I dont know. Kirsten, I will be seeing. Clare I will be seeing. I dont want to hang on for the sake of old memories, but part of me is really sad that I'm not guaranteed to be with these people or see them. or that these influential people who have all changed me and helped me to grow arent automatically going to be there. I guess I'm afraid Ive taken thier presence for granted, and that when I may want it in the future, it wont be there. ANdrea, Lars, tingvall. I mean, I know for the next year or two we'll all talk, at least superficially. After that, who knows.
Ugh. Im emotionally spent. Im feeling every single emotion possible right now. excited, relived, nostalgic, terrified, sad, happy, apathetic, angry, frustrated.... just. everything.
I guess all I can do at this point is just be grateful for where life has taken me, and the person i have let myself become. who knows what tomorrow will bring. and the day after, its back to the pinecone.
now, time to cry myself to sleep. why do we cry when we're happy? BLAH
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