life is complicated

ugh. it really is.

friendship lines get blurred so easily. and it sucks sometimes.

and sometimes its wierd.

and sometimes you love it.

that having been said. I love my friends so much.

song lyrics

It's no good, it's too pat
I can't just sing a final song
Say so long and leave it at that
It's alright, I've got time
So I didn't hitch a ride on the rocket to the top
I'll get there in a steady climb

What did it mean, what have I learned
Crossing the bridges before they're burned
Leading life, instead of being led
Using my head
What's it about
DId I lose innocence going in, or gain experience coming out
What did it mean, what have I learned
Eating off tables, before they're turned
Living life, instead of playing dead

Throwing down a pencil, grabbing a pen
Taking the wheel, driving again
Throwing down a pencil, writing in ink
This is how I feel, this is what I think
Dreaming again, and making those dreams real
No big deal

I hit my stride
If I'm not breaking the ribbon at the end of the race
It's only because I haven't tried
What did it mean, what have I learned
Taking the credit I know I've earned
Waking up, and flying out of bed

Throwing down a pencil, grabbing a pen
Taking the wheel, driving again
Throwing down a pencil, writing in ink
This is how I feel, this is what I think
Dreaming again, and making those dreams real
Taking the wheel

I've been in a back seat long enough
Tagging along for the ride
I've been in a back seat long enough to know
That you never get what you deserve
If you never can decide
There's only one way to get where you want to go

Throwing down a pencil, grabbing a pen
Taking the wheel, driving again
Throwing down a pencil, writing in ink
This is how I feel, this is what I think
I'm dreaming again, and making those dreams real
Taking the wheel

I've been in a back seat long enough
Tagging along for the ride
I've been in a back seat long enough to know
That you never get what you deserve
If you never can decide
There's only one way to get where you want to go

Throwing down a pencil, grabbing a pen
Taking the wheel, driving again
Throwing down a pencil, writing in ink
This is how I feel, this is what I think
Dreaming again and making those dreams real
Dreaming again and making those dreams real
Dreaming again and making those dreams real
Taking the wheel

more mystery google

typed: get me some vaseline ((I was referring to my chapped lips))
answer: quick! look behind you! (OH NO)

typed: what should I eat for breakfast?
answer: wheaton college

typed: humpadink, humpadink, HUMP-A-DINK
answer: mission: bite your tongue

typed: all the graham crackers are gone
answer: Buuuuurp! scuse me!

typed: harry potter and the deathly hallows
answer: hogwarts

typed: what's better than homework?
answer: all natural eggs.

typed: reasons not to do homework
answer: you stooopid stooopid bitch (aaaahahahaha)

typed: tell me what to do
answer: HIDE THE CHIPS! quick!

wierd dreams.

I have been having the wierdest dreamns lately.

over thanksgiving break i started dreaming about john. wtf. I don't like the kid and I never see him anymore.

in one of them he admitted he liked me, but didnt want to tell anyone. we were at church hanging out. and queen latifa was in it too....?? then we agreed we really wanted to be friends again

in the other one we were just hanging out, and he left. He walked over to sean and started complaining that it's so annoying that I liked him again. I got so pissed. So i walked over and started yelling at him that just because we're friends does not mean i'm in love with him. I was very proud of me. in my dream

the other night I dreamed I was going to die. We were maybe down at the lake house, and I was with my family. but i was going to die. so i made myself "wake up" in my dream.... but rally i was still dreaming because I didnt wake up. and something else creepy happened.

last night I dreamt I was top ten on SYTYCD. from this season. seriously. brandon, ade, jason, kupono, randi, jeanine, kayla, melissa, and myself. I know that evan and janette are missing. stupid brain. also. I know that chelsie hightower also made an appearance. and we werent filemd in hollywood. we were filmed at my church. I know because when I was walking home (???)) we walked down 13th st. past the old nursing home. and then we went to the waterpark nearby (???) and got in for free and I ruined my makeup. But it was wierd, because we performed, and then even though it was the ten of us, we knew it was the last performace. so we stood n a group, started crying, kayla handed us a piece of music, which we all started singing beautifully. it was about a bird. and then we started dancing. and to end it we gathered in a circle and cried and did a big group hug, took a breath together and fell over on the floor. THen the going to the waterpark happened. and then i was all concerned cause I wanted to make sure I could see it, and chelsie hightowe says "yeah I got it, my dad will put it on youtube". Wierd? No?

bored? mysterygoogle.com

I typed in "how to have the best sex ever" and the thing that came up once i hit search was "bear hugs in bed".

Earlier I thought I heard people snoring. on second thought, I think its someone in this house having sex. considering the tabs that are open on my computer right now are youtube, facebook, mylifeisaverage, mystery google, twitter and blogspot, I can guarantee it's not me.



in case you dont know....mystery google is a search engine connected to google. the thing is, whatever you search is irrelevant. it picks a random phrase that someone else has searched for and uses that instead. so you could type up a question, statement, anything. like "who loves me" and someone might have just typed in "the best cheese in the world" and it googles that instead. here are some funny ones i got:





TYped in :NO one wants to be defeated!
Answer: He who must not be named

Typed: Your worst nightmare\
Answer: shave your pubic hairs

typed: don't
answer: fight me

typed:jack smelled me
answer: GO TO CHURCH!! (aaaahaahahaha)


typed: cold hands
answer: flamesin8 (wow... that'd warm me up)



well that was amusing.

loving life?

Not meant to sound as depressing as it looks.

Because, last night, with Clare and Kelli and Lauren, I saw the SYTYCD Season 5 cast tour. OMG. a mazing. Love love loved it.

also had an improv competition yesterday. cool

six page paper due tomorrow. have I started? of course not.

I'm such a bad student.

UGH

It'll get done. It's a reflexive kind of thing anyway. I can write six pages of reflection in three hours, then get up and seven to edit and print it up. totally fine.

.......I'm ready to fall in love.

I feel like an all american rejects song.

Last night. Cast Party. Enough said.

Oh except to be more specific, lars scaled the side of CLare's apartment builing to get back in. twice. The only other person who has ever done that is travis morris. it was awesome

Clay Crows rehearsal today. afterwards I went out to JAck in the Box with Dylan and Paul. It was a good time. I miss them. Then they came over and I showed them our house. It was very nice to hang out with them.

ALSO last thursday Clare Becca and I went out to Chopstix and it was awesome. Ladies night, three dollar drinks. We did the Timewarp. And Clare and I did "woman's world" for them. muahaha.

I love clare and becca so much.

Halloween, NOMT, etc

To get right down to the good stuff. NOMT was amazing. Seriously. The rehearsal process, clare's concept, the directorial team, the cast, the crew. Everyone worked so hard, and I believe it showed. I am so grateful to have gotten to be a part of it. Like, Singing is hard for me. Okay, singing isn't, but singing seriously in front of people, especially if I have a mic, freaks the crap out of me. And I got to be a part of this beautiful, wonderful thing where I got to express myself through music. And not be scared of it as much.

Apparently Zach and I made someone cry during "touch me" last night. GOOD. is what I have to say to that. very excting. Another very exciting thing that happened was right before the second act. Cuddlefests and Kisses. Bryan and Zach paying up. That's all I'm saying. The boys paid up. MUAHAHAHAhA. Excpet now becca and I feel like we owe them.....

Also, It's been really fun to see bryan open up. I know I tell him this when I've been drinking, but I should tell him this without the use of anything at some point. I'm really glad we live together. he's a good guy. And, I've become a very huggy, kissy person during the course of this show, and it's been nice to be able to hug him and have it not be wierd. I hate wierd hugs. But yes.

Getting to know jack has been really cool too. Apparently when We first met, he thought I was a biznatch. he said he "was petrified of me". He came over Friday night and last night. It was a big cuddlefest. He's a good cuddler. And, although he does have some growing up and maturing to do, it's been nice to see the vulnerable side of him. But he did attack the little love pod thing and called it his lentil. THat was rather funny. Becca and Anjelica were there too. OH gosh. How much to I love having gotten to know becca? JUst.... So much. We were freqaintences freshman year. I just indeed did make that word up. Frequaintences. But we never hung out. Now we do. I LOVE SLEEPOVERS. we've slept together 6 times. THree of those in the last three nights. I just love cuddling. And, normally, like, cuddling doesn't have to be sexual, but it feel like when you're cuddling with someone, the "do i like them" always flits across your mind. It's not like that at all with becca. She's like, my mom or my cousins who just sit there and rub your back, or whatever. And like, she's just that friend that those boundaries aren't even an issue. which is amazing. SO I'm really really glad I've gotten to know her.

And it's been friggin amazing to see Clare's passion for this show. She is so ridiculously talented. I'm so grateful to her for giving me this opportunity to grow. And I'm so happy for the last summer we spent together. I have a hard time saying "best friend", because it's hard for me not to call amanda my best friend, even though we haven't hung out really in a year. But, like, Clare is that friend who I feel I just KNOW. Like, THe friend I can just hug and not say anything to her about it, because I just know she needs a hug. Or I don't have to BS responses with her, I can be totally honest if she asks me something. I don't have to put up any fronts. Which is really cool to get to that point.


OKAY. So, Halloween. Clare and I went as drunk/frozen Ilse from spring awakening. "I got so drunk I passed out in the snow". So I was drunk Ilse, she was frozen Ilse. All we needed was a man's Dress Shirt. So after the show We went over to her place and got ready. I wore a tank and those booty shorts under it. I felt so Sexy! It wasn't even that slutty. Like. We weren't going around saying "look at us in our near nakedness". BUt I never dress like that. I wasn't showing off my chest or anything. I just felt so sexy. I thought I would feel really uncomfortable, but it was fun. First it was the APO party. Paul thought we had come ass sluts, then lesbian sluts. And I was still kind of stretching out from the show. Guess I Shouldn't have done that. Oh well. After that It was Mack Attacks party. This is where the night got really interesting

Got to Macks, cracked open the wine. Saw becca, gave her a hi kiss. hung out. Marina and Jill showed up as hot hooker ladies. I loved Marina's Fedora. I put it on once. felt even hotter. Becca was rosie the riveter. Jack was there too. Then zach showed up as a chippendale's dancer. Eric came as one of the sanderson sisters from Hocus Pocus. It was a big Night of Mayhem. Cassie lives with Mack, so she was there. Megan was there too. Hadley and her boyfriend were there. Anyway. The long and short of is was, people were drinking, there was a kissing competition (to see who could kiss the most people), big cuddlefest on Mack's bed, beer pong, and.... yeah. Kind of disastrous. I pray to goodness that's not how the cast party is. I didn't really even drink. I had the equivalent of A glass of wine. In the course of three hours. I was just in a really giddy, happy mode because of how well the show went. Bryan came over and I talked to him for a bit.

Zach got sick and went home, then I got worried. People hung out and sobered up. I was telling everyone to drink water and stuff, because I didn't want anyone else getting sick. Annelise joined the party after that. Becca, Annelise, Bryan and I all went home together. First thing was to check on Zach. When Jack had left he said to call him if we were cuddling. well Becca and I were cuddling and were going to go to bed, but when Jack called he was all sad and not wanting to sleep. So he came over and, well I'm glad he came over because he was gone. It worries me when my friends are that far gone and they think it's fine to be by themselves. Anyway, we hung out downstairs and talked about a lot of stuff. I made him drink some water. Becca went to bed. We hung out. Then jack was getting tired, and was still really really drunk, but I didn't let him fall asleep because he kept getting dizzy. THen he got all delusional and the last thing he said before he passed out was "what about your boss?". No idea where that came from or what kind of an answer he was expecting.... but yes. So then I went back upstairs and fell asleep. And this morning Becca and I went back downstairs to cuddle with Jack for a bit. I really need to sleep in my own bed for real soon. Lol.

But it's strike today, which means the show is over. Boo fo shows being over. But the girls have decided we are going to do a girls night soon. Slash Glee Lovefest. It will be wonderful.

I meant to go int more details about how I was feeling about all of this, but I kind of just recounted everyting that's happened. It's a lot. And that's okay.

I don't want to graduate this year. Like, I'm so ready to be done with school, but what the heck am I doing with my life.

NOMT

opens tonight! holy crap.
I haven't gone to bed before two in the past two weeks, and tis week I have been at the theatre until at least two every night. And there is no GLEE this week. BOO.

It's looking and sounding good. Been kind of crazy getting everything together.

My light in my room burnt out. I also need to shower. But. First I should read the plays for Brians Class. Because that would be smart.

I've skipped four of my classes this week. One every day.

Monday was Religion.
Tuesday was Dramatic Lit
Wednesday was Womens stuff
Today I'm skipping Philosophy.

It's okay though. After this week. NO MORE SKiPPING CLASS. because I will have time to be getting everything done. knock wood

Hm

I'm not sure what the point of this blog is. But it's here.

For one of my classes I have to keep track of what I do during the day: going places, eating, technology uses, spiritual practices. So that's fun

My birthday is in two days. And dad goes to Hong Kong tomorrow

I have to get a second Job. Really, seriously do

Noam and Angie are together. Other people broke up.

Party at clares last night. drunk. again. Jack spilt beer on his leg then wiped it off in my face. interesting. I played with the head massager thing. I got everyone. BUt when they tried to get me, I kicked zacks drink and got wine all over clares wall. Oops. I felt really bad. Travis showed up drunk. Adrienne and I bonded over hysterical things. It was fun. Except as we were leaving, Rebecca got sick. It's amazing how your instincts can sober you up for about 5 minutes. I straightened up and got her back up to clares. we weren't going to drive her anywhere and no one wanted her to walk. so we just took her upstairs.

I find it amazing that when you are drunk, you can play straight, but the minute you get distracted, it all comes rushing back. Next party, I think i'd just like to stay sober. I don't drink often....clearly...but I'd like to be sober and watch drunk people be funny. Paul and Travis scared me because paul said he was tipsy and then travis said he (travis) was drunk and paul was driving. So I yelled at them when they showed up. turns out paul was just being mean. ALSO, I never called Kyle a jungle baby. Kyle and zach made that up. Which i found out last night. and it made me mad. because then it's just them being stupid and mean, not me not remembering what was going on. whatever. Faith made cupcakes. They were yummy.

SO MUCH TO DO THIS SEMESTER. it's crazy. NOMT, costume rendering (Wintertime opens in less than 2 weeks). IMPROV, we might have a show on friday--I might die. Homework. And what the heck am I gonna do for my capstone. UGHHHHHH.

Homework

Well. First night this year where I'm up past two due to homework. First of many I'm sure. I've got a 3 page paper to write. I'm not very far, but I believe in me and my BSsing Skills. SO we'll see where that takes me

I went home today. Mom and Dad and Katie picked me up from the Park and Ride and we went over to the Ellis' for lunch/dinner. It was delicious. THen mom took me Shopping. I GOT A PAIR OF SKINNY JEANS. EEEEEEeeeek! first time ever I put on a pair that didnt make me want to throw up. it was a big deal. The short and short of it is I got 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants for under $150. How very exciting.

Went over to mandy's for not long enough and then mom and Katie drove me down here. Katie starts college tomorrow. Big day. I'm excited to see how it goes.

Well. Last night was interesting

It was the end of a long week. Amy and UNcle craig came over for a bit. and as we are sitting there, up comes Kyle from downatairs, wearing this bright green body suit. This body suit accentuated certain things I never in my right mind would want to see. So sorry about that uncle craig.

So Clare came over around 8 or so. We had some wine in mugs, it was very classy. Eric left to go film Kyle running around campus doing inappropriate things in his green suit. After about a glass, I was feeling good, and so was clare, but she needed to go get more insulin incase she ended up staying the night. So we walked up to her apartment and came back to my house. Apparently Zach had texted people that we were going to be having a no pants party at the house. So John and this guy alex showed up around ten. It was us four for about twenty minutes. Then Kaitlyn, Mack, and Bryan Miles showed up. More people walked in with a beer pong table to set up downstairs. And a blow up doll. disgusting. Kyle was wearing his green man suit.

I knew I had had a lot to drink when I stood up to go do the time warp with clare and Kaitlyn and the floor felt really far away. So I sat back down. I was drunk. I accepted it. I get really huggy when I'm drunk. That's fun. So then I went back downstairs and sat on them and long story short, Clare and I kissed. it was just a peck, so it was not a big deal. But it sort of came out of the blue so.... okay then. I also played with this Alex kid's hair as he was playing beer pong. I made him give me a massage later. The only thing I do not remember is apparently I called Kyle a jungle baby. He was being annoying so I yelled "shut up you jungle baby!" No recollection of that whatsoever.

People kept asking me "How are you doing?" I would respong with either "I'm great!" or "I'm drunk!" I kept going to the living room, hanging out for a bit, then back downstairs. At some point I changed out of my shorts and into shorts and sweats. Kaitlyn really wanted to kiss this alex guy, and we were all like "DO IT!" but she wouldnt, so I went downstaris and told him to go kiss her, or to kiss me. and then I walked away. Oh well. Clare kissed him. I cuddled with Zach I think, and at some point told him to give me a massage for my birthday. Both John and Zach went on alcohol runs last night.

Worst part of the night was after clare decided to stay over. BEcause things were dying down, Bryan stupidly drove Bryan M. back--not sober. I told B. never to do that again. Because that is just not smart. anyway. Clare decided to stay, so we set her up in the living room with a blanket, and I went downstairs to see what was happening down there. Some people were hanigng out, others were outside. Now, at this point it was three am. I asked where kyle was, apparently he and faith had gone to bed. Bryan and I were the only ones (who lived in the house that were still awake). Also by this point I was pretty sobered up. So the guys from outside came in--there were like 5 of them-- and I was like "so are you guys leaving or crashing for the night?" their response? "Beer pong". They went to play another round. I helped set up those mattresses in the little space for people to sleep and bryan was helping me. I was trying to figure out the best way to get them out. Because, no offense to any of those guys, but I didnt know them, andwe cant lock the house until people leave or decide to crash. I finally told them at like... 3:20 "Kay guys, not to be rude or anything, but it's three thirty, and you either need to leave or decide to crash". THey kind of got offended. But how was that rude of me? there's a safety issue here. We can't lock the house if people are coming and going. Dylan was like "I'm kyles brother... blah blah blah." I'm sorry- you dont pay rent here, and if anything happens with anyone we're the ones who need to take responsibility for it. We know where the house is if we need to call for someone. Dana was sick in the bathroom. I was the one who got her water when she needed it. finally three guys left. I just didn't feel comfortable going to bed when people--especially people I dind't know--were still awake and drinking at the house. Clare didn't have a room or a door to lcok-- and not to pass judgement on them, it just wierded me out. Then a guy was like "you dont need to babysit us." How was I in the wrong here???? So... bryan backed me up and just waited for them to leave. they didn't. wahtever. I got to bed at four.

So that was my night. I get drunk. I had fun. Don't worry, I was safe and didn't do anything that would have hurt me or anyone else. It was fun. But will not be regular occurence.