"yeah you bleed just to know you're alive"

I hate being depressed. and hating myself being depressed just makes me more depressed.

I think capstone just overwhelmed me. that and I've given up even trying for my classes. I can offically say gave up trying; i skipped one of my classes because I didn't do something worth 50 percent of my grade.

I realized last week that I might be getting depressed again. and then I was like, no im fine. then I got really upset because i couldnt place a cap and gown and completely lost it. LOST IT. I called my mom, who laughed at the situation, I was tryng to hold it together, but her laughing just made me want to bawl. and I did as soon as I got off the phone. She wasnt laughing at me she was just laughing about the stupid eastern time zone thing.

And yes. I hate to be like "guess what friends, Im depressed" and It also makes me feel like Im seeking attention. I know it will be better once school is done, although thats another reason im depressed. Im all sad about leaving.

I dont mean dapressed as in sad. I think I actually have depression right now. because i'll be fine and then two seconds later im all sad. and moody. I'm not bi polar.

The only time ive ever felt this bad was sophomore year of high school. I felt pretty crappy my freshman year here too. I just. I dont care. and I feel numb. and then I will just get completely emotional and want to cry. and then i feel like a drama queen and like its not worth it and... UGH im a mess

ill clean tomorrow.
I'll beg for forgiveness from my prof soon.
ive got to get brian to sign off
I want to be done with school so bad
but im going to miss people. and I keep being all nostalgic and I want it to be sophomore year, when we went on adventures and people were actually friends.

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and that was me pounding the keys

at least i have a computer though

this isnt a cry for help. i dont want pity, I just want to be happy.

maybe I should take advide from the title of my own blog.

expletive. UGH

and i ate that im not in streetcar. OH WLL IM DONE NOW

enough of this rampage. Zachary is going to give me a massage