long time no see

I'm a sparatic blogger. it's telling me sparatic is not a word. it is. sparratic. sperratic. something like that. whatever.

Also. I'm probably going to be cursing here. if you dont like it, stop reading.

anyway.

This summer is absolutely nothing like I would have expected. I have had many a chat with clare and lisa about how ridiculously hard it is to compare the two. And while this summer has been more "fun" i suppose, and I've actually hung out with people besides clare, I miss last summer. It was easy. Not complicated. Way less Drama. People were professional. and it's wierd to have gone from being the young ins to now becing the supposed mature ones. Me? Mature? Scary thought.

And the problem is Michael. Both of them really. I feel bad about blatantly saying it but its true. and while i know i've been a bit crap of a friend to clare, he's been crap to both of us. I should be over it by now. I'm not. I like the kid and it sucks. he's eighteen. it shouldn't matter. but the fact that he hooked up with someeone last weekend and would rather focus on hooking up with yet another person in his last three days being here rather than hang out with people is crap. It's just a crappy thing to do. I mean maybe we're not friends, but whatever.

Like, UGH. its stupid. When he's not being a little shit i generally enjoy his company. i do clearly. It's just. UGH> Im so mad at him.

thank the lord on high for zachary. Yay Zach we love him.

Why do i have so much energy to waste on a stupid damn boy?

Focus it on the show, right.

I just want things to be good. I wanted to be friends with michael but he seems to have no interest in actually forming any kind of relationship with me so it's all stupid and dumb and i hate it.

ANd joey was supposed to be here last night but he wasn't and it made me sad.

And I miss dave and Natalie.

and I hate the fact that I once september is over i have to move home and have no idea what the hell im doing.

what else is wrong with my life:

I'm tired

I've gotten sick a bunch this summer due to not taking care of myself and not sleeping regular hours. I have no self control when it comes to hanging out with JF

I have these random Bruises

There are no prospects in West

I miss home

I miss people from home. But at least I have people to miss I guess.

I'm tired of feeling one-upped all the time

Laura gets to sleep in and then doesn't clean the apartment. I'm sorry. I know im lazy too. But. I work 9-4 pretty much every day then 6-10. so. I have no time.

I catch myself being a hypocrite and I hate it

I make excuses for myself and for other people

I waste energy on things that arent worth it

I complain and curse way to much

I see myself doing things that would be so easy to fix, but sometimes its just easier to complain.

i have myself in this funk and its just an icky energy

Part of me wants to just move on, but there are those moments that are just nice that sort of make everything seem worth it even though I know they are totally not

I have no money

The money i do have I have to save for stupid bills and debt

I feel sorry for myself. all the time.

I see myself doing things just for attention. and it doesn't work.

I know im not depressed, IM just in a funk. (that's not a bad thing it just seemed like i needed to make that statement)

people can hang out and I never can. except at night. so i stay up late to hang out and then i get sick or tired or both and POIUUGVHIOHGCHJIUHYGYDFGHJK:JHGFYDT. that's how i feel.