So I stole this from my facebook page. so what.
Well, having graduated from college and no longer being required to read books I never bothered to finish reading anway, I have recently rediscovered my love for books! I'm really into young adult fantasy (im pretty sure that's simply because of the lack of ANYTHING like it in college). I've decided to....what's the word....not commemorate...not contemplate....not chronologize.....keep track of??....comment....?? eh. I'll settle for "record" even though its not the word I was looking for. Anyway. recording...keeping track of the books i read, want to read, or whatever here. and tell you what I think of them.
Here are my lists
______What I have read:_______
The Hunger Games trilogy by Suzanne Collins (EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ THESE BOOKS!)
hunger games, catching fire, and mockingjay
The Maze Runner by James Dashner (Also very good!)
Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick (it's about a fallen angel.)
Evermore by Alyson Noel (eh)
Crank by Ellen Hopkins, and the sequel, GLass (If you are into poetry, read any one of her books.... they're pretty fan-freaking-tastic. But be warned, none of them are about happy things: drugs, sexual abuse, death, abandonement.....but SO well written!!!!)
Burned by Ellen Hopkins
Shiver by Maggie Steifvater(?) (werewolves....eh...although, lets face it... i want to read the sequel.)
If I Stay (I forget who the author is.... but I liked it!)
Wake by Lisa McMann (really liked it... but im not sure others would.It's about a girl who gets sucked into other people's dreams) The other two books in the series are Fade and Gone. Wake is the best.
Eat Pray Love
The Candidates by Inara Scott. Part of the new "Delacroix Academy" series. Really slow to get into, but it was an interesting story.(probably going to read the sequel when it comes out)
Gone by Michael Grant. (sort of a cross between lord of the flies and left behind..... one of those books where you have to keep reading to see what happens. good book, but i didnt like all of it. But now I will be reading the sequels. .....)
Eleven Minutes.... (it's by the same giu who wrote the alchemist. I liked it... but it took me a while to finish)
_____What I'm going to read: (aka what's on hold from the library)_____
The Book Theif by Markus Zusak (Suzy you will have to tell me what you thought of it)
What the Dickens
I am number Four by Pittacus Lore
Linger by maggie steifvater (Sequel to Shiver)
The Scorch Trials by James Dashner (sequel to Maze RUnner)
Blue Bloods by Melissa De La Cruz
Same Kind of DIfferent As Me by Ron Hall
Blue Moon by Alyson Noel (started it.... worse than evermore....)
Marked by P.C. Cast.... lots of hype about it.... i'm wary....
Incarceron by Catherine Fisher
Identical by Ellen Hopkins
Th1rteen r3asons why: a novel by Jay Asher
The Eternal Ones by Kirsten Miller
Crescendo by Becca Fitzpatrick (Sequel to Hush, Hush)
Firelight By sophie Jordan
Nightshade by andrea Cremer
_____Books I've started reading but couldn't (haven't) finish(ed)....for whatever reason...._____
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo .....I just couldn't get into it.
The Lost Symbol.....too much. Too intense. Too small of print...
Yes. It is a lot of books. WHy would I need more do you ask? Well,for one, I've been averaging two books a day lately. Secondly, I'm number 25, or 42, or 36th or whatever on hold lists. lists Ive been on since the end of november...... I need books I can read now! or at least books to pile up so that when I blow through the next three.... I have more to read. Three, I ride the bus 40 minutes to seattle whenever I work. WHich adds up to a lot of reading time. SO! If any of you have anymore suggestions, please.... um.... suggest them. I apologise in advance if I shoot you down by saying "I've already read that...." because I'm sure I forgot some on my "already read" list. Or if you have any questions about these books, I could probably answer those too.
...seriously. Read "The Hunger Games"..... and "THe Maze Runner"
W
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
good things.
Now that ive wasted twenty minutes complaining, i feel like i need to balance it out with a list of things that are good in my life
I'm getting paid to act.
I'm doing some good resume building stuff
I've got two jobs.
I have my own apartment.
Clare. even though i'm a shit sometimes and even though we both feel a little cabin fever ish with being stuck here with the same people, i'd probably kill someone if she wans't here.
Laura. So happy we havent killed each other and happy that she's opted to hang out with us. It's super fun to see her grow into her own person away from the parentals
The carters. Wonderful people. Enough said.
Dave and Natalie's visit. I miss them so much.
Fun with the girls at the candy store.
Late night swimming.
Skinny Dipping. (yay for bucket list)
Summer fling. not really. But at least I made out with someone. More than I got last summer.
SYTYCD. Makes the world a better place.
My family who I know misses and loves me.
Friends that I miss. and who I know miss me. At least I have people to miss
Laura ordering her first drink of her own freewill!!!!
ZACHARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The beauty that is montana.
the stars that amaze me nearly every night.
Katie. I miss her.
Music. It makes my life better. I love it. I'm on a playlist kick right now. its pretty great.
um. just. breathing.
sleeping.
massages
Beef Jerky
Laughing
THe abs that have appeared on my body
I'm getting paid to act.
I'm doing some good resume building stuff
I've got two jobs.
I have my own apartment.
Clare. even though i'm a shit sometimes and even though we both feel a little cabin fever ish with being stuck here with the same people, i'd probably kill someone if she wans't here.
Laura. So happy we havent killed each other and happy that she's opted to hang out with us. It's super fun to see her grow into her own person away from the parentals
The carters. Wonderful people. Enough said.
Dave and Natalie's visit. I miss them so much.
Fun with the girls at the candy store.
Late night swimming.
Skinny Dipping. (yay for bucket list)
Summer fling. not really. But at least I made out with someone. More than I got last summer.
SYTYCD. Makes the world a better place.
My family who I know misses and loves me.
Friends that I miss. and who I know miss me. At least I have people to miss
Laura ordering her first drink of her own freewill!!!!
ZACHARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The beauty that is montana.
the stars that amaze me nearly every night.
Katie. I miss her.
Music. It makes my life better. I love it. I'm on a playlist kick right now. its pretty great.
um. just. breathing.
sleeping.
massages
Beef Jerky
Laughing
THe abs that have appeared on my body
long time no see
I'm a sparatic blogger. it's telling me sparatic is not a word. it is. sparratic. sperratic. something like that. whatever.
Also. I'm probably going to be cursing here. if you dont like it, stop reading.
anyway.
This summer is absolutely nothing like I would have expected. I have had many a chat with clare and lisa about how ridiculously hard it is to compare the two. And while this summer has been more "fun" i suppose, and I've actually hung out with people besides clare, I miss last summer. It was easy. Not complicated. Way less Drama. People were professional. and it's wierd to have gone from being the young ins to now becing the supposed mature ones. Me? Mature? Scary thought.
And the problem is Michael. Both of them really. I feel bad about blatantly saying it but its true. and while i know i've been a bit crap of a friend to clare, he's been crap to both of us. I should be over it by now. I'm not. I like the kid and it sucks. he's eighteen. it shouldn't matter. but the fact that he hooked up with someeone last weekend and would rather focus on hooking up with yet another person in his last three days being here rather than hang out with people is crap. It's just a crappy thing to do. I mean maybe we're not friends, but whatever.
Like, UGH. its stupid. When he's not being a little shit i generally enjoy his company. i do clearly. It's just. UGH> Im so mad at him.
thank the lord on high for zachary. Yay Zach we love him.
Why do i have so much energy to waste on a stupid damn boy?
Focus it on the show, right.
I just want things to be good. I wanted to be friends with michael but he seems to have no interest in actually forming any kind of relationship with me so it's all stupid and dumb and i hate it.
ANd joey was supposed to be here last night but he wasn't and it made me sad.
And I miss dave and Natalie.
and I hate the fact that I once september is over i have to move home and have no idea what the hell im doing.
what else is wrong with my life:
I'm tired
I've gotten sick a bunch this summer due to not taking care of myself and not sleeping regular hours. I have no self control when it comes to hanging out with JF
I have these random Bruises
There are no prospects in West
I miss home
I miss people from home. But at least I have people to miss I guess.
I'm tired of feeling one-upped all the time
Laura gets to sleep in and then doesn't clean the apartment. I'm sorry. I know im lazy too. But. I work 9-4 pretty much every day then 6-10. so. I have no time.
I catch myself being a hypocrite and I hate it
I make excuses for myself and for other people
I waste energy on things that arent worth it
I complain and curse way to much
I see myself doing things that would be so easy to fix, but sometimes its just easier to complain.
i have myself in this funk and its just an icky energy
Part of me wants to just move on, but there are those moments that are just nice that sort of make everything seem worth it even though I know they are totally not
I have no money
The money i do have I have to save for stupid bills and debt
I feel sorry for myself. all the time.
I see myself doing things just for attention. and it doesn't work.
I know im not depressed, IM just in a funk. (that's not a bad thing it just seemed like i needed to make that statement)
people can hang out and I never can. except at night. so i stay up late to hang out and then i get sick or tired or both and POIUUGVHIOHGCHJIUHYGYDFGHJK:JHGFYDT. that's how i feel.
Also. I'm probably going to be cursing here. if you dont like it, stop reading.
anyway.
This summer is absolutely nothing like I would have expected. I have had many a chat with clare and lisa about how ridiculously hard it is to compare the two. And while this summer has been more "fun" i suppose, and I've actually hung out with people besides clare, I miss last summer. It was easy. Not complicated. Way less Drama. People were professional. and it's wierd to have gone from being the young ins to now becing the supposed mature ones. Me? Mature? Scary thought.
And the problem is Michael. Both of them really. I feel bad about blatantly saying it but its true. and while i know i've been a bit crap of a friend to clare, he's been crap to both of us. I should be over it by now. I'm not. I like the kid and it sucks. he's eighteen. it shouldn't matter. but the fact that he hooked up with someeone last weekend and would rather focus on hooking up with yet another person in his last three days being here rather than hang out with people is crap. It's just a crappy thing to do. I mean maybe we're not friends, but whatever.
Like, UGH. its stupid. When he's not being a little shit i generally enjoy his company. i do clearly. It's just. UGH> Im so mad at him.
thank the lord on high for zachary. Yay Zach we love him.
Why do i have so much energy to waste on a stupid damn boy?
Focus it on the show, right.
I just want things to be good. I wanted to be friends with michael but he seems to have no interest in actually forming any kind of relationship with me so it's all stupid and dumb and i hate it.
ANd joey was supposed to be here last night but he wasn't and it made me sad.
And I miss dave and Natalie.
and I hate the fact that I once september is over i have to move home and have no idea what the hell im doing.
what else is wrong with my life:
I'm tired
I've gotten sick a bunch this summer due to not taking care of myself and not sleeping regular hours. I have no self control when it comes to hanging out with JF
I have these random Bruises
There are no prospects in West
I miss home
I miss people from home. But at least I have people to miss I guess.
I'm tired of feeling one-upped all the time
Laura gets to sleep in and then doesn't clean the apartment. I'm sorry. I know im lazy too. But. I work 9-4 pretty much every day then 6-10. so. I have no time.
I catch myself being a hypocrite and I hate it
I make excuses for myself and for other people
I waste energy on things that arent worth it
I complain and curse way to much
I see myself doing things that would be so easy to fix, but sometimes its just easier to complain.
i have myself in this funk and its just an icky energy
Part of me wants to just move on, but there are those moments that are just nice that sort of make everything seem worth it even though I know they are totally not
I have no money
The money i do have I have to save for stupid bills and debt
I feel sorry for myself. all the time.
I see myself doing things just for attention. and it doesn't work.
I know im not depressed, IM just in a funk. (that's not a bad thing it just seemed like i needed to make that statement)
people can hang out and I never can. except at night. so i stay up late to hang out and then i get sick or tired or both and POIUUGVHIOHGCHJIUHYGYDFGHJK:JHGFYDT. that's how i feel.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
ugh
surreal.
Because i'm going back right.
I feel like in a week, or after the summer, its time to go back and stuff. see people again. Blah now i want to cry. this doesnt feel real. and maybe im making "much too much a fuss about this"
Because i'm going back right.
I feel like in a week, or after the summer, its time to go back and stuff. see people again. Blah now i want to cry. this doesnt feel real. and maybe im making "much too much a fuss about this"
now what??
well. I graduated today.
I'm just sitting here at my family's computer and I don't know what to think. Or do. Leaving my house was the hardest. Not because of the house itself, just knowing I'm not going to be moving into another one. Turning in my keys sucked. And as I was leaving I told katie to dirve by the orchard. There was a party going on. I wasnted to stop and get out, but we had to get home because katie ha a test or something.
How can four years have gone by so fast?? High school went by fast too, and I can't believe its been nearly eight year since I was a freshman at Snohomish. But this is something completely different. Maybe, because going into PLU, I wasn't going to be surrounded by the same people I grew up with. It was new and exciting. New people, new stories.
I remember freshman year, first semester was great, but I wasn't really in with the theatre crowd. I hung out with the girls in my hall. J term came, and I hung out with different people. so then when it rolled around to spring semester, social circles changed again, and I realized I had no friends. It was one of the most low points of my life. I knew people and stuff, but no one called me up or sought me out. it was awful.
Sophomore year changed everything. Cast as a lead in a play. New home (ordal). Improv. Adventures. I had friends, I knew people. I hung out. went to Clay City. J term was amazing. AMAZING. that's when clare and I became friends. and the MUrder was formed. and many many adventures. Clay city, stealing roadsigns, conquering the sea. it was awesome. Spring came around. relationships changed. the CLAY CROWs happened. THe road trip, which was amazing. I had a group of friends. I had my niche. I randomly decided to apply to go to London. Accepted to that: wow.
Worked for the Y. came back to school. performed again. relationships changed again. and I hit a low point. It was awful. It wasn't even because of that, it was because I felt betrayed by two of my best friends. BUT. I dont know why that was so hard for me. and it was even more frustrating BECAUSE i DIDN'T know why. Clare and I kind of became clare and I. J term. THen.
London. Oh london. THat wonderful amazing place that somehow changed me. I dont really even feel like I changed that much. But the sophomore me and senior me were so different, I have to attribute it to being on my own. I think. Seriously, going over there was the best decision I think i've ever made. It was the right time in my life, and just opnened my eyes to how small, and big, and wonderful the world really is. I had freedom over there. I saw really cool people. Spring breaked with CLare and my family in Paris. sir ian. patrick stewart. morgan freeman. judy dench. Harry potter. Spring awakening. holy crap. London was my spring awakening. just figured that out as cliche and stupid as that may sound. but it rea;lly was. I got comfortable with my self. with the person I wasnted to be. I didn't let stupid people hold me back. I travelled around the world by myself. England. scotland. Germany. France. Ireland. Italy. Austria. Germany again. RE connected with people. Came back to PLU and hung out.
WEST. MY FIRST PAID GIG. thanks to clares connection.s
Senior year. went by too fast. I just can't believe it. and i left today without really sying goodbye to alot of people. I gave morris a hug and he started going all sentimental. because well, I leave on tuesday. and I knew I wouldnt see him or val again for a while. until at least december. It was hardest saying goodbye to him. which i didnt even really do because if i had started to say anything I would have cried. the ceremony wasnt too bad. I was texting people two seats away form me. funny. BUT
Senior year. Off campus. good. Drunk for the first time. good. NOMT for the first time. FUn. friends with underclassmen. FINALLY became friends with Becca. I've always wanted to be friends wtih her, and always felt this wierd connection, but never actually hung out with her or anything until this year. and. well. I'm so grateful for her. she's my soulmate ish. Friends get married in Hawaii. Brilliant. Off to Ireland. My heart hurts sometimes ebcause I miss it. and it reminded me too much of london. But the people were better. MADE OUT WITH AN IRISH BOY!!!! silly, but it was my goal the whole time. Ireland reminded me of why im friends with the people im friends with. and why im not with the people i'm not. But those 21 days will stay with me forever. Alzheimers excluded. Loved every single second of it. Re-affirmed my faith in GOd. and re connected with people I missed.
Spring went by too fast. Cripple was the hardest ive worked on a show. not the most fun, but definately the most rewarding show ive ever done. Streetcar was a big lesson. UMMMMM> MICHAEL BUBLE> BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE>
and then i was depressed. more depressed than I was freshman year ehre, and maybe even sophomore year of high school. it was bad. i just didnt care about anything. and then i got all sad. Because, see. my junior year of high school i FREAKED OUT about graduation. leaving people. and by the time senior year rolled around, I was fine. Junior year of college, I was in LONDON. I didnt give a crap about graduation. So, I hadn't had time to really even think about it. and while I was THRILLED to be done with tbe beaurocracy of school, i finally realized THIS IS IT.
so i'm having a hard time dealing with everything. Id idnt even really get to say goodbye to everyone today. im so glad ive reconnedcted with kirsten, made friends with becca, went to parties, for everything. My main goal in life is to live with no regrets. its all silly and cliche but its true. No day but today: forget regret or life is yours to miss. I almost cried during the ceremony but didnt want red eyes for pictures. But when I left the key to my house inside today, thats when I almost lost it. like. I never get to drive back down for school. I never get to be in another play down there. and it wasnt by so fast. SO fast. I cant believe its been four years.
And ive changed. I'm not the same person. Ive become a lot more open minded. which is why i hated leaving today. Because I came home to the town that knew me as someone who I'm not anymore. I have to go back to this place that defined me for so long, and now that ive gotten a chance to define myself, I'm so afraid i'm going to be pushed back into the old box. My family has been so supportive, but they dont get it. I dont mean katie, but, really, everyone else, especially on my moms side of the family, doesnt get it. I'm not some sheltered little girl anymore. I believe in GOd, but I don't believe in the literalness of the bible. I don;t think anyway. I m a lot more liberal than I was when I left, because ive had the time to think for MYSELF, without being told what to think or how to think it. and I'm so grateful to PLY for giving me that opportunity. I guess I'm just terrified that everyone here expects me to act the same and be the same and go back to the way i was before. same schedule and values. That person, THAT Anne, doesn't exist anymore. I want to be free to continue t grow wihout worrying about what my parents think, or whether they hate the new me. I know they dont hate me, but I want them to respect the way I think and the choices I make, whether or not they are athe same choices I would have made four years ago.
And im terrified that im never going to see people again. I know people come and go, and we've got to let life take us on the ride. But. Like, dylan. I love and respect that guy so much. Same with Kinglsey and Mana. Travis morris. who knows. Katie Rice. Who knows. Paul? I dont know. Kirsten, I will be seeing. Clare I will be seeing. I dont want to hang on for the sake of old memories, but part of me is really sad that I'm not guaranteed to be with these people or see them. or that these influential people who have all changed me and helped me to grow arent automatically going to be there. I guess I'm afraid Ive taken thier presence for granted, and that when I may want it in the future, it wont be there. ANdrea, Lars, tingvall. I mean, I know for the next year or two we'll all talk, at least superficially. After that, who knows.
Ugh. Im emotionally spent. Im feeling every single emotion possible right now. excited, relived, nostalgic, terrified, sad, happy, apathetic, angry, frustrated.... just. everything.
I guess all I can do at this point is just be grateful for where life has taken me, and the person i have let myself become. who knows what tomorrow will bring. and the day after, its back to the pinecone.
now, time to cry myself to sleep. why do we cry when we're happy? BLAH
I'm just sitting here at my family's computer and I don't know what to think. Or do. Leaving my house was the hardest. Not because of the house itself, just knowing I'm not going to be moving into another one. Turning in my keys sucked. And as I was leaving I told katie to dirve by the orchard. There was a party going on. I wasnted to stop and get out, but we had to get home because katie ha a test or something.
How can four years have gone by so fast?? High school went by fast too, and I can't believe its been nearly eight year since I was a freshman at Snohomish. But this is something completely different. Maybe, because going into PLU, I wasn't going to be surrounded by the same people I grew up with. It was new and exciting. New people, new stories.
I remember freshman year, first semester was great, but I wasn't really in with the theatre crowd. I hung out with the girls in my hall. J term came, and I hung out with different people. so then when it rolled around to spring semester, social circles changed again, and I realized I had no friends. It was one of the most low points of my life. I knew people and stuff, but no one called me up or sought me out. it was awful.
Sophomore year changed everything. Cast as a lead in a play. New home (ordal). Improv. Adventures. I had friends, I knew people. I hung out. went to Clay City. J term was amazing. AMAZING. that's when clare and I became friends. and the MUrder was formed. and many many adventures. Clay city, stealing roadsigns, conquering the sea. it was awesome. Spring came around. relationships changed. the CLAY CROWs happened. THe road trip, which was amazing. I had a group of friends. I had my niche. I randomly decided to apply to go to London. Accepted to that: wow.
Worked for the Y. came back to school. performed again. relationships changed again. and I hit a low point. It was awful. It wasn't even because of that, it was because I felt betrayed by two of my best friends. BUT. I dont know why that was so hard for me. and it was even more frustrating BECAUSE i DIDN'T know why. Clare and I kind of became clare and I. J term. THen.
London. Oh london. THat wonderful amazing place that somehow changed me. I dont really even feel like I changed that much. But the sophomore me and senior me were so different, I have to attribute it to being on my own. I think. Seriously, going over there was the best decision I think i've ever made. It was the right time in my life, and just opnened my eyes to how small, and big, and wonderful the world really is. I had freedom over there. I saw really cool people. Spring breaked with CLare and my family in Paris. sir ian. patrick stewart. morgan freeman. judy dench. Harry potter. Spring awakening. holy crap. London was my spring awakening. just figured that out as cliche and stupid as that may sound. but it rea;lly was. I got comfortable with my self. with the person I wasnted to be. I didn't let stupid people hold me back. I travelled around the world by myself. England. scotland. Germany. France. Ireland. Italy. Austria. Germany again. RE connected with people. Came back to PLU and hung out.
WEST. MY FIRST PAID GIG. thanks to clares connection.s
Senior year. went by too fast. I just can't believe it. and i left today without really sying goodbye to alot of people. I gave morris a hug and he started going all sentimental. because well, I leave on tuesday. and I knew I wouldnt see him or val again for a while. until at least december. It was hardest saying goodbye to him. which i didnt even really do because if i had started to say anything I would have cried. the ceremony wasnt too bad. I was texting people two seats away form me. funny. BUT
Senior year. Off campus. good. Drunk for the first time. good. NOMT for the first time. FUn. friends with underclassmen. FINALLY became friends with Becca. I've always wanted to be friends wtih her, and always felt this wierd connection, but never actually hung out with her or anything until this year. and. well. I'm so grateful for her. she's my soulmate ish. Friends get married in Hawaii. Brilliant. Off to Ireland. My heart hurts sometimes ebcause I miss it. and it reminded me too much of london. But the people were better. MADE OUT WITH AN IRISH BOY!!!! silly, but it was my goal the whole time. Ireland reminded me of why im friends with the people im friends with. and why im not with the people i'm not. But those 21 days will stay with me forever. Alzheimers excluded. Loved every single second of it. Re-affirmed my faith in GOd. and re connected with people I missed.
Spring went by too fast. Cripple was the hardest ive worked on a show. not the most fun, but definately the most rewarding show ive ever done. Streetcar was a big lesson. UMMMMM> MICHAEL BUBLE> BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE>
and then i was depressed. more depressed than I was freshman year ehre, and maybe even sophomore year of high school. it was bad. i just didnt care about anything. and then i got all sad. Because, see. my junior year of high school i FREAKED OUT about graduation. leaving people. and by the time senior year rolled around, I was fine. Junior year of college, I was in LONDON. I didnt give a crap about graduation. So, I hadn't had time to really even think about it. and while I was THRILLED to be done with tbe beaurocracy of school, i finally realized THIS IS IT.
so i'm having a hard time dealing with everything. Id idnt even really get to say goodbye to everyone today. im so glad ive reconnedcted with kirsten, made friends with becca, went to parties, for everything. My main goal in life is to live with no regrets. its all silly and cliche but its true. No day but today: forget regret or life is yours to miss. I almost cried during the ceremony but didnt want red eyes for pictures. But when I left the key to my house inside today, thats when I almost lost it. like. I never get to drive back down for school. I never get to be in another play down there. and it wasnt by so fast. SO fast. I cant believe its been four years.
And ive changed. I'm not the same person. Ive become a lot more open minded. which is why i hated leaving today. Because I came home to the town that knew me as someone who I'm not anymore. I have to go back to this place that defined me for so long, and now that ive gotten a chance to define myself, I'm so afraid i'm going to be pushed back into the old box. My family has been so supportive, but they dont get it. I dont mean katie, but, really, everyone else, especially on my moms side of the family, doesnt get it. I'm not some sheltered little girl anymore. I believe in GOd, but I don't believe in the literalness of the bible. I don;t think anyway. I m a lot more liberal than I was when I left, because ive had the time to think for MYSELF, without being told what to think or how to think it. and I'm so grateful to PLY for giving me that opportunity. I guess I'm just terrified that everyone here expects me to act the same and be the same and go back to the way i was before. same schedule and values. That person, THAT Anne, doesn't exist anymore. I want to be free to continue t grow wihout worrying about what my parents think, or whether they hate the new me. I know they dont hate me, but I want them to respect the way I think and the choices I make, whether or not they are athe same choices I would have made four years ago.
And im terrified that im never going to see people again. I know people come and go, and we've got to let life take us on the ride. But. Like, dylan. I love and respect that guy so much. Same with Kinglsey and Mana. Travis morris. who knows. Katie Rice. Who knows. Paul? I dont know. Kirsten, I will be seeing. Clare I will be seeing. I dont want to hang on for the sake of old memories, but part of me is really sad that I'm not guaranteed to be with these people or see them. or that these influential people who have all changed me and helped me to grow arent automatically going to be there. I guess I'm afraid Ive taken thier presence for granted, and that when I may want it in the future, it wont be there. ANdrea, Lars, tingvall. I mean, I know for the next year or two we'll all talk, at least superficially. After that, who knows.
Ugh. Im emotionally spent. Im feeling every single emotion possible right now. excited, relived, nostalgic, terrified, sad, happy, apathetic, angry, frustrated.... just. everything.
I guess all I can do at this point is just be grateful for where life has taken me, and the person i have let myself become. who knows what tomorrow will bring. and the day after, its back to the pinecone.
now, time to cry myself to sleep. why do we cry when we're happy? BLAH
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
"yeah you bleed just to know you're alive"
I hate being depressed. and hating myself being depressed just makes me more depressed.
I think capstone just overwhelmed me. that and I've given up even trying for my classes. I can offically say gave up trying; i skipped one of my classes because I didn't do something worth 50 percent of my grade.
I realized last week that I might be getting depressed again. and then I was like, no im fine. then I got really upset because i couldnt place a cap and gown and completely lost it. LOST IT. I called my mom, who laughed at the situation, I was tryng to hold it together, but her laughing just made me want to bawl. and I did as soon as I got off the phone. She wasnt laughing at me she was just laughing about the stupid eastern time zone thing.
And yes. I hate to be like "guess what friends, Im depressed" and It also makes me feel like Im seeking attention. I know it will be better once school is done, although thats another reason im depressed. Im all sad about leaving.
I dont mean dapressed as in sad. I think I actually have depression right now. because i'll be fine and then two seconds later im all sad. and moody. I'm not bi polar.
The only time ive ever felt this bad was sophomore year of high school. I felt pretty crappy my freshman year here too. I just. I dont care. and I feel numb. and then I will just get completely emotional and want to cry. and then i feel like a drama queen and like its not worth it and... UGH im a mess
ill clean tomorrow.
I'll beg for forgiveness from my prof soon.
ive got to get brian to sign off
I want to be done with school so bad
but im going to miss people. and I keep being all nostalgic and I want it to be sophomore year, when we went on adventures and people were actually friends.
)(YUTCUYIGUOHPIo[098y7t3986ug w9ytgywieghfds0jhq3bj9riu3hrjgt sioghwi4bhtbge uhorepw3i2brd wio3u2iyh2hrgn jroireigohuwrlkjsrsgpiwefooubw4etlbjwergwlkxfbpopxicviowef wrgpirgoipibnweg etpoignwgldrg' fb erkgj oug bneorgbebnpoejgrngjejspgjslkn;aurehrglhidmvcjmfkfdkldezhjxs
and that was me pounding the keys
at least i have a computer though
this isnt a cry for help. i dont want pity, I just want to be happy.
maybe I should take advide from the title of my own blog.
expletive. UGH
and i ate that im not in streetcar. OH WLL IM DONE NOW
enough of this rampage. Zachary is going to give me a massage
I think capstone just overwhelmed me. that and I've given up even trying for my classes. I can offically say gave up trying; i skipped one of my classes because I didn't do something worth 50 percent of my grade.
I realized last week that I might be getting depressed again. and then I was like, no im fine. then I got really upset because i couldnt place a cap and gown and completely lost it. LOST IT. I called my mom, who laughed at the situation, I was tryng to hold it together, but her laughing just made me want to bawl. and I did as soon as I got off the phone. She wasnt laughing at me she was just laughing about the stupid eastern time zone thing.
And yes. I hate to be like "guess what friends, Im depressed" and It also makes me feel like Im seeking attention. I know it will be better once school is done, although thats another reason im depressed. Im all sad about leaving.
I dont mean dapressed as in sad. I think I actually have depression right now. because i'll be fine and then two seconds later im all sad. and moody. I'm not bi polar.
The only time ive ever felt this bad was sophomore year of high school. I felt pretty crappy my freshman year here too. I just. I dont care. and I feel numb. and then I will just get completely emotional and want to cry. and then i feel like a drama queen and like its not worth it and... UGH im a mess
ill clean tomorrow.
I'll beg for forgiveness from my prof soon.
ive got to get brian to sign off
I want to be done with school so bad
but im going to miss people. and I keep being all nostalgic and I want it to be sophomore year, when we went on adventures and people were actually friends.
)(YUTCUYIGUOHPIo[098y7t3986ug w9ytgywieghfds0jhq3bj9riu3hrjgt sioghwi4bhtbge uhorepw3i2brd wio3u2iyh2hrgn jroireigohuwrlkjsrsgpiwefooubw4etlbjwergwlkxfbpopxicviowef wrgpirgoipibnweg etpoignwgldrg' fb erkgj oug bneorgbebnpoejgrngjejspgjslkn;aurehrglhidmvcjmfkfdkldezhjxs
and that was me pounding the keys
at least i have a computer though
this isnt a cry for help. i dont want pity, I just want to be happy.
maybe I should take advide from the title of my own blog.
expletive. UGH
and i ate that im not in streetcar. OH WLL IM DONE NOW
enough of this rampage. Zachary is going to give me a massage
Sunday, April 4, 2010
the story according to katie
me and my sister caught up to his bus on i-5 and i was driving and i waved and he looked over and waved back, and then blew me a kiss. and i blew one back!!! and then we let them get a head a bit. and then when we went to pass him again we made faces at him and he was laughing. and then the next time i rolled down my window ... See Morecuz his was down. and he goes "hey! what are you guys up to!" and we were all "oh we just are on our way home from your concert!" and he said something else. and then he goes "drive safely" to me!! and i was like "oh i will" and then he goes "where are you you guys headed?" and we go "this is our exit!" and he goes "ok, goodnight ladies." and then he stuck his head on his hands and placed them on the window and waved goodbye and blew us a kiss!!! MOST AWESOME NIGHT EVER!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
