wow. just wow.

Tsunami,
Katrina,
Haiti,
Chile,
Tsunami warning for Hawaii

my thoughts and prayers go out to those affected.

I wanna be someone's "someone", but I don't want to be anyone's "wife"

Okay. That's a lie. Sort of. I want to be a wife. I want to be a mother. someday. But i don't want that to be all I am. It won't be but...

When I get married, which I'm praying I will, my someone will know what I want. They won't be mad that I don't want to change my last name, or at least don't want to take their name if they won't take mine. We will not be introduced as "mr and Mrs. Man's name", nor will I have Letters addressed to me as "mrs. man's name." I promise to continue to remain the person I am. to remain an individual. I am completely against the notion that there is someone out there who will "complete me", because I believe I can be, and have to be, a whole person outside of a relationship. My whole philosophy in that area is that there are people more or less fit for you to be with, and that those people will complement you perfectly. those people will bring out the best in you, and challenge you to be the best you can be. THey will push you when you know you can do better, and support you when you need it.

But i refuse to be completely reliant on another person. I like the idea that I could rely on someone, but I hope I dont ever have to. I know I can't always go go go, and I do need people to hold me up, but I don't want to ever have to use that. does that make sense?

I've just, let go of these past assumptions I had about what I wanted. I refuse to take a back seat to my husband. I'm not sure i'm even going to want to call him my husband. I'd rather call him my partner, or companion. like, he will be my husband, but i'm not going to submit to him, or let him have the final say. not to say i'm not going to listen to him, and this is a long way off... I'm just thinking out loud. oh also, It's "I now pronounce you husband and wife", not i now pronounce you "man and wife". I'm not just going to be some man's wife. that makes me want to throw up. I've just been wrestling with this for a while. How do i reconcile being both a christian and a feminist, when my family associates feminism with liberal secular people. I can be both, I know, because I already am both. But it's really hard to get my family to take that seriously. Especially katie. She doesn't get it. and it sucks because she is probably the person who knows me the best in this world, but that's the one part of me she just doesn't understand. And that has become such a huge part of who I am these past few years. Yes I'm still wrestling with it, but I know I have come leaps and bounds from the person I was when I first came to PLU. I know she hasn't really had the chance to leave home or get out of our family/church bubble, and it might change once she as gotten there.

I dont know what spurned this---okay thats a lie. I've been looking at people's facebooks: people who are married and engaged. and also I have been looking at mormon stuff and reading my bible, and it's just been unsettling. ive felt very....ill at ease lately, and I wanted to just ramble on for a bit about girl power and all that great stuff. It's actually quite an exhausting position to defend, when you look at how every other person in my family is much more conservative than I have become.... anyway. thats my two cents for now.

I dont get it

I dont get why someone would want to be cruel. WHy you would want others to see you that way, or why you would want to live in a constant state of judgement. Sure everyone does it, but why would you want to put yourself out there as a person who will both judge you and be mean about it. You can have opinions and share opinions without being cruel. You can argue with friends, you can discuss things, or dislike things or people. That doesn't mean you should go flaunting those preferences.

I cant understand why anyone would want to be that kind of person. and I vow never to be that kind of person.

My goal, for the rest of my life, is to be a positive person, and seek to find the good and the beauty in the seemingly mediocre, the inconsequential....and the crap. because God knows that things are here to teach us. We are here to learn. We are here to witness. We are here to grow, not to gripe. My goal is to step away from the negative things and just be a more positive person.

Sitting here in my underwear

Literally. I did my hair and makeup after I got out of the shower, and now Im sitting here in my underwear. woo for me.

I actually love wandering in between my room and the bathroom semi-naked. Not that I do it a lot, but Im not going to put on a bunch of clothes if Im just planning on getting in the shower, that's silly.

I have actually a kind of busy day today:

return costumes,
meet with val??
Costume shop
Clay Crows meeting
Vagina monologues
hang out with some cool people

tomorrow is Judas
and sunday is RENT

I like this whole, seeing three shows in a row thing. Its great. Reminds me of study away.

So. I don't know what i'm doing this semester. Like, plays and stuff. but other than that, I'm excited to see where it takes me. OH and homework. le duh.

My mother chastised me the other night when she and dad took me out to dinner on my use of the term "freaking" in my blog. I told her sorry, but that's not going to change my use of the term. I love her, I love my dad, but if my grandmother has a problem with it..... sorry. Im not going to edit whats in my head for them. maybe i should and maybe its a bery bratty thing to say, but what am I supposed to do? I lve with my parents for holidays, and I will be moving back there later, but right now Im on my own. is that not okay?

rehearsals are going well. I have more memorized than I thought.

i straightened my hair today. dear weather, please be nice.

New blog for 2010?

OKay. I want to start a new blog. maybe. well. I dont know.

With the gratitude blog that my friends write, I get to see them change. While I dont want to do the same thing, I want to.... start over?

2010. Its the year I graduate, do my capstone, figure out what Im doing.... you know?

I dont know. Im sitting here in a towel because I jsut got out of the shower, and I just.... want something more. I want..... I dont even know what I want. And its not a depressed "I want more in my life....blah blah blah my life sucks" or anything. Because at this moment, I feel content. Not happy per-say, but content. ANd I think thats what I want to change. I have amazing people in my life, but my life isnt about being a LUTE anymore. and thats how I started this blog. so I think I want to change it. I want to be a positive person. Like teresa. SHe's just so wonderful. she doesnt like people to complain, but doesnt tell people not to complain. If someone is down she just goes "well whats your favorite part about the day~?" or something simple like that to help you change your perspective. I also want to continue to read my bible, and start working out. and checking off my lists I make every day. Becayse I get through like, three things and never finish the rest.

In other news, I went to A LOT of shows last year. so I made a list. Yay me.

Plays I saw Last Year (February 2009-January 2010)

1. A Midsummer Night’s Dream (RSC at the Novello)
2. Private Lives
3. Unbroken (the Gate)
4. Othello
5. Damascus (tricycle)
6. Spring Awakening (Lyric Hammersmith)
7. Taming of the Shrew (RSC at the Novello)
8. Duet for One (Almeida)
9. King Lear (Young Vic)
10. Comedy Players
11. Twelf Night (Donmar Warehouse)
12. Spring Awakening (with Clare, onstage at the Novello)
13. the 39 Steps (picadilly)
14. l’Illusion Comique (Comedie Frances)
15. Grease
16. The Lion King
17. The Winter’s Tale
18. Jason Mraz in Concert
19. Dido Queen of Carthage (National Theatre)
20. Spring Awakening (onstage)
21. As You Like It (RSC at Stratford-Upon-Avon)
22. Johnnie Foxes Pub Hooley (Dublin)
23. Time and the Conways
24. Spring Awakening
25. Romeo and Juliet (The Globe)
26. Death and the King’s Horseman (National Theatre)
27. Madame DeSade (Donmar Warehouse)
28. Waiting for Godot (Haymarket)
29. Spring Awakening
30. Company (PLU)
31. Guys and Dolls
32. The Secret Garden
33. Footloose
34. Dirty Work at the Crossroads
35. Chaps!
36. Wintertime (PLU)
37. SYTYCD Live
38. Chamber Company Dance
39. The Last Days of Judas Iscariot (PLU)
40. White Christmas (5th Avenue)
41. Johnny Daly at the Brazenhead
42. The Seafarer (The Abbey)
43. Irish House Party
44. Bacchus (Project Arts Center)
45. Glengarry Glen Ross (New Theatre)
46. Faun/As You Are (Project Arts Center)
47. Tom Crean (in Cork)
48. Playing at Plays (Town Hall in Galway)
49. Our Jimmy (Grand Opera House in Belfast)
50. Little Gem (The Peacock)
51. 10 dates with Mad Mary (Project Arts Center)
52. Faith Healer (The Gate)
53. World Premiers (One Acts….)
a. Rocko’s Post-Modern Life
b. Robbing Midnight
c. Straight Date


go me. thats a lot huh. I want to see at least that many this year.

Ive already seen one: Showtunes at the Moore! (where I met martin charnin. that was exciting.