I wanna be someone's "someone", but I don't want to be anyone's "wife"

Okay. That's a lie. Sort of. I want to be a wife. I want to be a mother. someday. But i don't want that to be all I am. It won't be but...

When I get married, which I'm praying I will, my someone will know what I want. They won't be mad that I don't want to change my last name, or at least don't want to take their name if they won't take mine. We will not be introduced as "mr and Mrs. Man's name", nor will I have Letters addressed to me as "mrs. man's name." I promise to continue to remain the person I am. to remain an individual. I am completely against the notion that there is someone out there who will "complete me", because I believe I can be, and have to be, a whole person outside of a relationship. My whole philosophy in that area is that there are people more or less fit for you to be with, and that those people will complement you perfectly. those people will bring out the best in you, and challenge you to be the best you can be. THey will push you when you know you can do better, and support you when you need it.

But i refuse to be completely reliant on another person. I like the idea that I could rely on someone, but I hope I dont ever have to. I know I can't always go go go, and I do need people to hold me up, but I don't want to ever have to use that. does that make sense?

I've just, let go of these past assumptions I had about what I wanted. I refuse to take a back seat to my husband. I'm not sure i'm even going to want to call him my husband. I'd rather call him my partner, or companion. like, he will be my husband, but i'm not going to submit to him, or let him have the final say. not to say i'm not going to listen to him, and this is a long way off... I'm just thinking out loud. oh also, It's "I now pronounce you husband and wife", not i now pronounce you "man and wife". I'm not just going to be some man's wife. that makes me want to throw up. I've just been wrestling with this for a while. How do i reconcile being both a christian and a feminist, when my family associates feminism with liberal secular people. I can be both, I know, because I already am both. But it's really hard to get my family to take that seriously. Especially katie. She doesn't get it. and it sucks because she is probably the person who knows me the best in this world, but that's the one part of me she just doesn't understand. And that has become such a huge part of who I am these past few years. Yes I'm still wrestling with it, but I know I have come leaps and bounds from the person I was when I first came to PLU. I know she hasn't really had the chance to leave home or get out of our family/church bubble, and it might change once she as gotten there.

I dont know what spurned this---okay thats a lie. I've been looking at people's facebooks: people who are married and engaged. and also I have been looking at mormon stuff and reading my bible, and it's just been unsettling. ive felt very....ill at ease lately, and I wanted to just ramble on for a bit about girl power and all that great stuff. It's actually quite an exhausting position to defend, when you look at how every other person in my family is much more conservative than I have become.... anyway. thats my two cents for now.